I have been given reason to think about my identity over the last few weeks. I often find the school summer holidays is a period of reflection and orientation. I find I navigate the chronology of the year through the school term dates and the summer holidays seems to be a time to reacquaint myself, not only with my growing children but also with myself.
I have four children and so I seem to have been a mother forever, so much so that I often forget that I was not born a mother, it is an identity I have been given and a role I am always learning how to fulfil. It is never done, it changes with the seasons and the ages and development of my children, and as such, so does my identity .
My youngest daughters are now teenagers and I no longer am a mother to small children, no more running the bath for them and bedtime stories. I have been reflecting a great deal on who I will be in the next phase of this growth, it seems when a chess piece moves on a board it affects the meaning of all the other pieces!
I think the conclusion that I have come to is to not expect myself to know! To allow exploration and play, to tread this unsteady path and be allowing and gentle with myself, in short, to treat this stage of my new development as I do for my daughters, with curiosity and love. I remember when my girls were very young and I felt I had to know all the answers, when they should sleep, eat and learn. What stages of development they should be in and if they were meeting their milestones! How to distinguish between a bit of a bump and the need for A & E and a million other moments in the day I felt I needed to be the expert for. I think what I am beginning to realise is that in this stage I do not need to be the expert, I do not need to know everything, and what a relief that is! I feel as though i can give some space and time to the girls and to myself and put down some of the relentless expectations I have put on myself as a mother over the years.
Obviously I am still the parent and ultimately that role does not go away but it is evolving and I for one am looking forward to this new phase. Now, which one of my girls has borrowed my shoes? 😉
I have added an actual picture of me this week!
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